"Love is intended to last longer than time,
to span the veil of death,
and continue everlastingly."
-Robert L. Millet
I felt a desire to create this post mainly for me to understand more fully the grandeur of God's love and how it is able to distill upon those who feel the least deserving of it.
This post is mainly from journal entries following Emory's birth. I know I could have created this sooner but let's remember the crazy, wonderful chaos of motherhood ;)
Before referring to my journal I'm not proud of this but I feel it's important that I share how indifferent I felt towards Emory while she was 'in the womb.' All too often to me 'she' was just the 30+ runs to the bathroom at night, morning sickness, aggravating heartburn and my distorted whaleness. It didn't even occur to me to pack an outfit for her in my hospital bag! It seemed too abstract and surreal to comprehend that a baby was coming into our home. That is why I now stand in complete amazement and awe of the love of God and His willingness to endow us with the unconditional, unfaltering, infinite love that He has for His precious children into the hearts of their mothers.
"No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child." -Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
September 20, 2016: "I feel so overwhelmed with emotions as I write in my journal at this time. Right now I am hearing aloud and feeling the warmth of the hiccups of our sweet, new baby girl, Emory. I don't know if I've ever felt such pure joy in my life, it brings tear to my eyes just thinking about it. I loved seeing my husband's reaction. Just like our hike King's Peak, he held my hand the whole way. He was my strength and I loved him more in that moment then I felt I ever had the capacity to before. I loved holding this pure, precious little body in my arms, I felt as though Heavenly Father had literally just placed this child from his hands into my arms and endowed us with the power and strength to love her as He does. I felt such reverence and awe towards her.
All fear, indifference, and anxiety was gone as it was replaced with warmth and light."
to span the veil of death,
and continue everlastingly."
-Robert L. Millet
I felt a desire to create this post mainly for me to understand more fully the grandeur of God's love and how it is able to distill upon those who feel the least deserving of it.
This post is mainly from journal entries following Emory's birth. I know I could have created this sooner but let's remember the crazy, wonderful chaos of motherhood ;)
Before referring to my journal I'm not proud of this but I feel it's important that I share how indifferent I felt towards Emory while she was 'in the womb.' All too often to me 'she' was just the 30+ runs to the bathroom at night, morning sickness, aggravating heartburn and my distorted whaleness. It didn't even occur to me to pack an outfit for her in my hospital bag! It seemed too abstract and surreal to comprehend that a baby was coming into our home. That is why I now stand in complete amazement and awe of the love of God and His willingness to endow us with the unconditional, unfaltering, infinite love that He has for His precious children into the hearts of their mothers.
"No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child." -Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
September 20, 2016: "I feel so overwhelmed with emotions as I write in my journal at this time. Right now I am hearing aloud and feeling the warmth of the hiccups of our sweet, new baby girl, Emory. I don't know if I've ever felt such pure joy in my life, it brings tear to my eyes just thinking about it. I loved seeing my husband's reaction. Just like our hike King's Peak, he held my hand the whole way. He was my strength and I loved him more in that moment then I felt I ever had the capacity to before. I loved holding this pure, precious little body in my arms, I felt as though Heavenly Father had literally just placed this child from his hands into my arms and endowed us with the power and strength to love her as He does. I felt such reverence and awe towards her.
All fear, indifference, and anxiety was gone as it was replaced with warmth and light."
"Driving away from the hospital I had what they call a defining moment: an event that typifies or determines all subsequent related occurrences.
I felt terrified by every car driving past us that could potentially harm my baby. (I was white knuckled, flustered and ready to send out a public service announcement telling everyone to just get off the road!) Why is it so easy to feel fear?
In that moment there was a decision staring me right in the face: I could choose to not give my heart to her, therefore not be hurt if something bad were to happen.
I knew that if I chose that route I would be losing so much more than death could ever take. I knew that by bringing this child into the world I had been given the greatest blessing and privilege God could ever give to his children. "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have JOY." (-2 Nephi 2:25) This opportunity before me right now is what this life and the next life; eternal life with God is all about.
I chose then that no matter what heartache, trials, or hardships we would face that I would always take care of her, I would never give up on her, and I would do everything that I could as her mother to help her return back home to her Heavenly Father."
"Grief is the natural by-product of love...grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning." -Lance B. Wickman
Now we could blame this next part on "changes in hormone levels" but I believe it to be much more than that. I was afraid that when we brought Emory home that I would be freaking out about the cleanliness or harmful exposure. I was amazed by the spirit that she brought into our home. It felt so right. It was a spirit that we could not have replicated any other way. I don't believe I have ever felt so calm and so whole in my life.
In the days and weeks following I was oftentimes brought to tears by the love and gratitude I felt in my heart. One day I was staring a picture of the temple we were married in and realized that there was no way I could have opened up my heart the way that I needed to to be able to take care of my family without the knowledge that my family could be together forever. It made me feel so grateful that I was able to serve a mission to be able to share that message with so many others. I knew that the temple was important and significant but now I really know and feel that. Words cannot adequately express the joy that I feel. This is what the Gospel of Jesus Christ is all about.
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